Going, Going, Gone
by mercurywrites
Summary: Sixteen year old Severus Snape takes his own life. Lily watches as her whole world crumbles around her.


Pain. It's everywhere. It's inside of me, eating me from the inside out. It's there when I look into Lily's eyes and see only hatred within them. It's in every breath I take, every breath that's keeping me tethered to a world of emptiness and hurt, a world that I don't want to be a part of any longer. I breathe in deeply and lean forward. A few tears fall from my eyes, and I watch them plummet into the dark abyss below me. I want to follow them. I lean out farther and feel the wind slapping harshly against my face. I'm so close. Just one tiny little step, and it will all be over. No one will miss me. My mum and dad will be glad of one less mouth to feed, they'll be glad they won't have to pay my Hogwarts tuition anymore. They can hardly afford it as it is. Lily will be glad of one less Death Eater in the world. That's what she sees me as, just a Death Eater in training, eager to go out into the world and kill Mudbloods like her. Lucius will be disappointed he's lost a possible recruit, but he'll get over it, as will all of my friends in Slytherin. They never cared about me the way Lily did anyway. They see me as an ally, not a friend. They won't be too upset to lose me. My foot inches closer to the edge of the window. For the first time, I feel a twinge of fear. Not of dying, necessarily, but of what will happen to me after I die. Is there a Heaven? I don't think I've done anything terrible enough to go to Hell, but I'm certainly no saint. Pushing my misgivings aside, I let go of the edge of the window. And then, everything is still. It's as if the world has stopped turning. The wind has stopped blowing, I can't even hear the ticking of the clock. Only silence surrounds me, and I am empty, weightless. I step out into the darkness.

* * *

><p>It started out as an ordinary, nothing-special sort of day. It was a Saturday, so I took my time sleeping in, and when I finally crawled out of bed at 11:30 in the morning, my dorm-mates, Alice, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas, and I threw on some comfortable Muggle clothing and meandered seven flights downstairs to the Great Hall for a late breakfast, or perhaps an early lunch. The house elves were still busy at work in the kitchen, made clear by the piles of food that continuously appeared on the tables; steaming plates of eggs, buttered toast piled high into the air, vats of hot porridge. The Great Hall was nearly empty now, though a few students still lingered around the tables, talking and eating and reading the latest Daily Prophet or Witch Weekly. My friends and I took our usual seats at the Gryffindor table and began piling our plates high with food.<p>

As I spooned a helping of eggs onto my dish, the door to the Great Hall swung open forcefully and Emmeline Vance, a seventh year Gryffindor prefect, strode over to our table. "Lily, you need to come with me," she said, her normally firm, self-confident voice cracking. My friends and I shared a concerned glance; whatever had happened to shake up Emmeline so badly must have been terrible. Anxiously, I stood from the table and followed Emmeline out the door, my uneaten breakfast forgotten. "Emmeline, what's going on?" I asked as I hurried after her up the first flight of stairs, nearly running to keep up with the older girl's brisk pace.

"One of the students committed suicide last night…" Emmeline replied, her voice trailing off in obvious distress.

Taken aback, I gasped. "Who was it?" I asked at once.

Emmeline shook her head. "I don't know yet, none of us do except maybe Adelaide Greer and Frank Longbottom, since they're Head Girl and Head Boy. McGonagall told me to gather up all of the Gryffindor prefects – Evan Rosier, Emma Stevens, and Genevieve Ehlers are doing the same for their Houses – and we're all meeting in the Headmaster's office…oh, it's just too awful!"

My heart was fluttering wildly in my chest as we rushed up the remaining stairs to the seventh floor, took a sharp turn down a dark corridor, and wound up in front of an ugly, disagreeable-looking gargoyle, who grunted out, "Password?"

"Sugar plum," Emmeline said breathlessly, and the gargoyle leapt aside, making me jump. The wall behind the gargoyle split in two to reveal a great moving staircase that spiraled up into the tower until it seemed to disappear, and Emmeline and I jumped onto it, bounding over the stairs until we reached a large, highly-polished oak door at the top. Emmeline raised her hand to the heavy brass knocker, shaped like a griffon, but just as her fingers closed over the griffon's head the door swung open, revealing Headmaster Dumbledore.

Since the first time I saw Headmaster Dumbledore at the Welcoming Feast of my first-year, I was very aware of the ever-present twinkle in his deep blue eyes; but today, the first thing I noticed as he opened the door for Emmeline and I was that the twinkle was conspicuously missing, leaving his eyes cold and empty like ice. He stepped aside to let us through, and we walked into the room uncertainly. Spotting Remus Lupin sitting on a couch against the right wall, I felt somewhat relieved – a friendly face – and went to sit by him. "Remus, what happened?" I whispered.

Remus shrugged his thin, bony shoulders and murmured, "I heard that someone committed suicide, but I'm not sure who it was."

"Emmeline told me the same thing," I whispered in response, just as Genevieve Ehlers entered the office with Michael Thomas and Colleen Winters, the fifth year Ravenclaw prefects, in tow.

Headmaster Dumbledore conjured two more chairs, which Michael and Colleen seated themseles in, with a swift flick of his wand and then turned to address us, looking very grim. "Students, I am afraid I have some terrible news to share with you."

We all braced ourselves, waiting.

"Last night, a student took his own life. He jumped from the Astronomy Tower, and Hagrid found his body early this morning."

Dumbledore let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes; the lines on his forehead deepened considerably, and the skin between his eyes creased.

"This was a young man who had a very promising future ahead of him. He was a talented potioneer, brilliant in all of his classes, a diligent, respectful, quiet boy. He was clever, ambitious, proud – perhaps too proud to ask for help when he needed it most."

There was a pause, and I felt dread sink over me. Everyone seemed to be holding their breaths, waiting for the headmaster to continue.

"This young man was your classmate, your friend, a sixth year Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape."

Time stopped. I was frozen, unable to move, unable to think, unable to feel. I couldn't tell if I was even breathing. I barely registered the gasps of shock and horror coming from the students around me. I distantly heard someone asking who Severus Snape was. Someone's hand was holding mine – was it Remus? It must have been.

Dumbledore's clear voice, ringing out over the confused and agitated murmurs that permeated the room, jolted me back into reality.

"I must now ask you to gather up your fellow students and bring them to your respective common rooms so that your Heads of House may explain the situation to them," Dumbledore instructed us, "As prefects of the school, it is your duty to help aid the healing process after this terrible tragedy. And remember, if ever you are in need, there is always someone there to help you. Perhaps if Mr. Snape had known that, he would still be among us."

The prefects gathered in the room nodded and murmured their agreement. I felt myself doing the same as I shakily stood on unsteady legs. Remus took me by the arm and led me from the office; at some point, Emmeline must have come and taken my other arm, for suddenly she was at my side, saying, "Lily, we're going to take you straight back to the common room. I know you were friends with him, and I know you must be…I can't even imagine…" she let her voice trail off and shook her head in disbelief.

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. _Why yes, Emmeline, I'm devastated; Why yes, Emmeline, I just lost the boy I grew up with, the boy who was like a brother to me for seven years, I am quite distraught; Why yes, Emmeline, Severus is dead because I _should_ have been there for him, but I wasn't. The guilt is eating me alive. I've never felt more pain in my life._

* * *

><p>Time is a funny thing. Sometimes, it just seems to disappear. I don't know when we got back to the common room, I don't know how long I've been lying on my bed sobbing into my pillow. It feels like it's been two seconds since I left the Headmaster's office. It feels like it's been two lifetimes.<p>

I hear the door creak slowly open, and suddenly my bed jostles with the additional weight of someone sitting down. Somewhere, someone says my name. Somewhere, someone places a hand softly on my arm.

Finally, I look up. The light stings my eyes. My head starts throbbing. Part of me doesn't want to be alive. The other part refuses to do to someone what Severus has done to me.

Alice, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas are gathered around my bed looking worried, fearful even.

"Lily?" Dorcas asks uncertainly.

Alice is sitting beside me on the bed. She moves her hand to rest reassuringly on my shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.

Slowly, I sit up and offer my friends a smile – a tiny smile, a pathetic smile, but a smile nonetheless – to show them that I'll be alright, even though I'm not so sure that I will be.

Mary joins Alice on the bed and says, "Gosh, Lily, I can't believe it…I really can't believe it! I never particularly liked Sn – Severus, but I certainly never wanted him dead! It's terrible! I can't believe it!" She shakes her head sadly.

Marlene nods her agreement. "I know I was never particularly nice to him…" she trails off and a single tear escapes her eyes. "Maybe if I had been, he wouldn't have…"

I appreciate their attempts at kindness, but at the same time it makes me angry. Watching them sit there, pretending to care about Severus, acting like his death upsets them, causes a silent rage to boil within my chest. They never cared about him while he was alive, they never acted like they would be upset if he died. Maybe if they had, he would still be here. It was too late now for words of compassion and repentance. It was too late now to care.

Yet, I hadn't shown him much kindness in the last year of his life either, had I? Ever since he called me that word at the end of our fifth year, I had shown him only contempt and disgust. If I had forgiven him like I should have – like I should have if I had really been his friend – I am certain he would still be with us – with me.

And suddenly, I can't bear to be here anymore. I can't sit here and listen to my friends speak about Severus like he meant something to them. I get up and hurry out of the dormitory, pushing by my friends and leaving them stunned in my wake, protesting weakly for me to come back.

My feet take me to the Astronomy Tower, where Severus spent his last moments of life. I step up on the ledge of the window and close my eyes. I can almost imagine I'm him.

What was he thinking as he stood here, in the exact same spot as me? Was he afraid? Was he excited? Maybe he hadn't felt anything. I hope he hadn't felt anything.

I put my hands against the walls and lean out. It's tempting to just move my feet – just take one tiny little step – and end it all, end all of the sadness and anger and confusion. But most of all, the guilt. The guilt is what hurts more than anything.

Instead, I make to step back into the tower, but just as I begin to do so, someone's arms are around my waist, dragging me to the floor. It's Marlene, Marlene's arms are around me, restraining me from doing something I was never about to do. Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall are running into the room with Alice and Dorcas close on their heels. Mary is standing beside Marlene and me, quietly sobbing.

I don't speak as Madame Pomfrey pulls me to my feet. I don't tell them that I never intended to kill myself. I'm quiet as I let them drag me from the room. I'm quiet for a long time.


End file.
